Fr John Zuhlsdorf has a helpful list of 20 tips for making a good confession which I recommend.
A couple of things I added in the combox in response to others:
If the priest is harsh
Don't waste energy being cross with him or feeling sorry for yourself. God is infinitely good and everything that he allows to happen to us can work to our good by his grace. In the past, I have found that it has challenged me on some sin that I have become a bit blasé about and it has done me good.
But also, pray for the priest. He is running a great risk here. If souls are lost because of his harshness, he is going to have a lot of explaining to do to Our Lord when he meets him.
If the priest doesn't give a penance
(Apparently this happened quite a bit in San Diego.) First of all, ask him "Father, would you please give me a penance." He may just have forgotten. If he refuses to do so, you could first of all accept this refusal as a penance in itself (these things are annoying, aren't they?) Then you could voluntarily impose a penance on yourself, perhaps a decade of the rosary. These would be pious acts, not necessary to the validity of the sacrament.
I just checked Cappello and he says that although the imposition of a penance is necessary for the integral celebration of the sacrament, omitting it does not make the absolution invalid. So you can rest assured, go to communion, it is the priest's sin, not yours.
Again, pray for the priest because he is obliged by the teaching of the Council of Trent and required by canon law to impose a salutary penance if you have actually sinned. He may well have to do the all these penances himself in purgatory. Added to which, it was always considered grave matter to omit giving a penance unless there is an excusing cause.
22 comments:
I liked the way St Padre Pio threw people out of the Confessional if they weren't sincere! I haven't seen the Oratory Father's doing that recently...thankfully!
We need to explain from a very early age the importance of the Sacrament of Penance. It is very easy to go to Holy Communion often but rarely or sometimes never go to confession. My children like to go to confession and as long as they are made confident about what to say (or told that the Priest will help with the words, or you can follow a sheet) then everything is great. They often comment how good they feel having been to confession, as do we adults.
It's good to remember that it is Jesus to whom we are confessing our sins - not the priest.
It's important to pray for our parish priests, just one Hail Mary daily at the end of the family Rosary.
I have not been behindhand in being tough on priests,but lets face it, they are knackered, stressed out, and often at odds with the chain of command. Priests aren't the problem...
When was the last time we just said, "thankyuo Father...I love you...can I get you anything...do you need any groceries...may I pray with you?"
I think very few *priests* act with malicious intent. Caught between an alternately indifferent / frustrated laity and a indifferent / frustrating episcopacy, overall, I think they do an amazing job just holding on to their sanity.
Perhaps some of you could start a cure 'd'Ars prayer group? This is run by a friend of mine, a very good French lady. Seriously, take a look.
God bless you Father.
www.cureprayergroup.org
www.cureprayergroup.org
For some reason the link isn't working. Bizarre. Have contacted webmaster. Very strange. Sorry.I am sure it will be working soon.
Shortly after my youngest made his first Confession, I started to take him every week. My main motive was that he become so at ease with going to Confession that if ever he fell away or if ever he fell into serious sin, he would no exactly where to go and how to confess his sins should he repent. I myself had been going only three times a year at this point, but since we were at church, I went to Confession, too. Now here is the thing. I had been pretty complacent and self-satisfied. This weekly encounter with grace quickly helped me realize what a wretch I had been and how much more I needed to frequent the sacrament. Now twenty years later my children still go to Confession weekly...and I try to follow their example.
Father: Good additions.
Sometimes, I struggle with accepting a penance that I think is not harsh enough.
I have to remind myself that God's Mercy is infinite.
We are fortunate that our children go to Confession before their lovely class Masses in St Philip's Chapel.There ability to remain still & recollected is down to excellent formation by Fr's Guy & Philip, & their teachers. Also at the Oratory Church the availability of Priests for Confession is almost constant, so there are always lines of people waiting to confess.As the Confessionals are on view around the Church, it serves as a reminder to go to confession.You can always count on excellent spiritual direction too. It is my view that one should go weekly, or at the most monthly. This enables one to look more closely at ones progress in the spiritual life & tackle even venial sins.
Spelling correction (their).
Fr Julian Green Chaplain to Birmingham University has just visited Ars. Apparently there is an organisation of secular Priests under St John-Marie Vianney's patronage. He has more info on his & Fr Richard's blog Friends With Christ links from my blog
http://catholicmomof10.blogspot.com/
Sorry making a mess of this posting...Fr Tim has naturally got a link!Kids all over the place..i'd better stop blogging...got to get to evening Mass.
Hello Father,
just got an email: way over my head, but they are fixing something in the domain name and it should be working tomorrow. I hope it gives some ideas. The Bishop here loves it. It is a good way to bind the laity to various priests.
Father,
Are there any good examinations of conscience out there on the internet or in books that you would recommend?
Of course, anybody else is welcome to share their recommendations as well.
Thanks.
My parish website's downloads page has leaflets for children, teenagers and adults with an appropriate examination of conscience for each.
Wow!
Is there anything this Priest can't do?
God bless
I was interested to see the reference to a common practice of failing to give penances in San Diego, as that happened to me once on a visit there.
I realised just after I left the "reconciliation room" that I had not been given one. Since no-one else had gone in (in fact, only my friend and I were in the church during the only 30 minutes in the week scheduled for confessions), I went back in. The conversation went as follows:
"Father, I don't think you gave me a penance."
[Superciliously] "That's right."
"Well, would you, please?"
"Very well, say five decades of the Rosary."
The whole thing was very disedifying; I was left with the impression that the pastor would much rather not have been there at all. That may explain why his regular parishioners were not to be seen.
Oh dear! That is really bad. Seriously, pray for that priest. Imagine Our Lord asking him about those people who didn't go to confession because of his attitude. Pray also that priests meditate regularly on the last things - to do so does put an important perspective on our ministry.
But as I said, from the penitent's point of view, there need be no harm done. His superciliousness is a penance and five decades of the Rosary is always a good thing (you don't have to say them there and then.)
To be honest with you I found the whole 'confession' thing a bit much. I admit I had a lot of bad stuff to confess, but it felt like it didn't work - I did not feel 'reconciled' or calm or peacful.
I'm sure the Priest did everything right and was very kind and gentle and understanding. But the moment I shook his hand and left the building I felt physically sick and shortly afterwards started having what I can only describe as 'flashbacks' to stuff I had completely forgotten about.
Was that right, did I do something wrong? I don't understand what happened and I'm to scared to do it again in case anything else bad happens.
"Imagine Our Lord asking him about those people who didn't go to confession because of his attitude."
I don't think a priest who's high on the self-righteousness curve is thinking that far ahead, really.
When a person goes to confession, they must by necessity render themselves vulnerable. This leaves them wide open to any priest going through some "Padre Pio impersonation" phase. Penitents who suffer from severe depression or some other form of melancholy are especially vulnerable.
It is true that we see so little of what goes on, that God sees all, and will call errant shepherds to account. Still, I'm betting those priests sleep pretty well at night. I don't think the potential loss of souls is worth waiting for God to sort it out. I think someone should tell them now. After all, if I'm really the pathetic loser some priest thinks I am, then it must have taken an admission of something to get me to come in the first place.
Someday I'm probably going to decide I've had enough and just let him have it: "Yo, Padre, I've done my part here. Mind your own damn business and give me absolution already, will ya?" That was the advice I got from another priest once. He was Australian, if that means anything.
Is my confession still valid if the priest doesn't use the correct words of absolution (ie.he just says 'your sins are forgiven'). Should I still go to a priest who i know will say these words instead of the correct formula, if he is the only priest available, or is it pointless?
Anon - no, I don't think you did anything wrong and objectively, those sins are forgiven. However, it sounds from what you say as though it might be helpful to talk to someone at greater length about those things. Confession does not replace the human means that we sometimes need to take in order to settle our mind and heart over the past.
When you go to confession again, you should only confess those sins you committed since your last confession, perhaps adding "I renew my sorrow for the sins of my past life."
David - I agree with you that someone needs to call these men to account and sometimes the approach you mention will be salutary. But those who are melancholy or depressed might not have the strength to "bite back" and those who do have the strength might not be the ones who should.
Melanie - I am afraid that "absolution" would not be valid. It would be better to go to another priest or to find out the times of confession somewhere else. If you think he might take notice, t would be in order to ask the priest to use the correct form of absolution. Since this case involves the validity of the sacrament, it would be quite proper to bring the matter to the attention of the local Bishop.
If he is the only priest available and will not use the words of absolution despite being asked to do so, and if you need absolution in order to go to Holy Communion, you can do the following: make a sincere act of contrition out of the motive of the love of God, resolve to go to confession as soon as you reasonably can to a priest who will give valid absolution, and then go to communion in the meantime.
I sympathise with the person 'having flashbacks' or past sins coming to the fore. I as a sufferer of melancholic depressions, see a 'secular psychotherapist' as part of my treatment. The Priests aren't therapists,but i always mention having a depressive illness ( only so i can get a lighter penance! Only joking!) & have found they are able to respond well to 'what is sin & what is illness'. They are amazingly compassionate. If you can get a Priest who actually has suffered depression himself, that is even better.
We usually get sound spiritual advice in the Confessional at The Oratory, & always a Penance.
Generally though people with these illnesses are far too hard on themselves (over scrupulous) & should not worry about every little thing. I liked the sentence above of Fr Tims. We can only do our best & don't need to beat ourselves up.
I do take the point though that vunerable people would be not helped by visiting a Priest who 'was doing his own thing'.
Apart from secular therapy, i find Priests are more than happy to arrange an appointment at another time to discuss any concerns..
Father, you're quite right that there was no harm done from my point of view, apart from the temptation to a serious breach of charity against him personally. I certainly didn't mind the penance, although it was somewhat out of the ordinary.
What disturbed me was his disdain for the Church's discipline and for the sacrament itself, which it seemed to me could only come from a serious defect of faith.
Considered in that light, it's hardly surprising that the Diocese of San Diego has larger problems, if this sort of things is common practice there.
Mrs jackie parkes,
Thank you for your kind comments. I have to say the nature of the 'flashbacks' were distressing because I could not recall clearly if they were my sins or not - in the sense that I was a child and not the responsible adult.
Thank you also for your insight into 'what is a sin & what is an illness'. I have always struggled with the mad/bad issue.
Re. only confessing sins since my last confession. I have assumed that each sin I have 'recalled' should/must be offered up if it is to be forgiven and therefore what I don't recall obviously can't be confessed, hence my reluctance to return to confession.
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